Almost Doesn't Count

Hey All,

It's been a whole week since I've blogged, I'm terrible I know.

Friday night I went with my friend Stephen and his friend Nyana to a Michael Jackson/Prince Tribute night. It was a lot of fun. They played a lot of old school music and of course MJ and Prince. It was soo hot but the dancing was beyond a good time. I didn't have to worry about some random guy coming up and trying to grind his way through my pelvis. That's what I love about old school music. You can just dance and have fun. No one was trying to be hot or sexy, no pressure to look good. Just dance and have fun!!

Don't get it twisted though, I can dance (i.e. "break someone off"), when necessary, but sometimes it's nice to just be free!

Saturday my mom, a friend of hers and I went up to our church's women's retreat. It was up in the mountains. Friday night I randomly started coming down with something, but went dancing anyways. And I was definitely sick in the mountains. I hate being sick, especially when it's hot, that's incredibly gross.

The rest of the week was mighty uneventful, until last night. (Warning, this is a long story!) I've been talking to this guy, we'll call him SP (not his initials, so don't even try to figure it out). He had asked for my number. I had noticed him before, the few times I had seen him and thought he was really attractive, so I gave him my number. I asked him if he was going to be one of those guys who asks for a number and then never uses it, he told me he would be gone for a few weeks, but he would text me while he was out of town.

About a week later I heard from him, yay!! We text for a couple of hours and things were looking up. He text me again a couple of nights later and then again after that. When he got back in town, he ended up inviting me to this bar where he was which is right around the corner from my job. So I headed over there. He was really nice, we hit it off, had fun. We sat in my car for a bit and talked and I drove him home (he doesn't live far and didn't drive himself to the bar, otherwise, he'd be on his own). During this time, it came out that I am not planning on having sex until I get married...He took this very seriously, which I appreciated.

Naturally the next day I wondered if I would hear from him, especially since now he knew I wasn't giving it up anytime soon. It took everything in me not to text him first. I was trying out the techniques of the book called You Lost Him At Hello. It's a good book, but it's really hard to put some of her suggestions into practice. We had hung out on Friday, I knew he wouldn't text me Saturday because he was having a birthday party that day, so Sunday rolls around and I'm gnawing at my fingers not to text him first. He eventually does text me and we talk some more.

He told me he was really thinking about the fact that I wasn't going to sleep with him and he didn't want to pressure me. I thought that was cool. I thought maybe he was going to turn out to be different from other guys. He sure was starting out the right way. Nice guy, respectful, and funny to boot. Very good start!

To make a long story slightly short, he hasn't been texting me the last few weeks. I have been the one texting him. So I guessed that he decided he wasn't interested in me. What do I expect, right? For me words speak louder than actions, so even though the way he was behaving pretty much told me what was going on, I needed to hear it. I hadn't talked to him for two weeks, and I text him to ask him what was going on. I ended up chickening out and we were just chatting like normal. It gets a little hard to explain here, but basically through the course of conversation he ended up telling me he wasn't interested in me. I was asking him questions about how he behaves towards girls he's interested in. Then he asked if I was interested in a boy.

Me: "Not anymore, but it's good to have insights" (I was thinking of him)
Him: What is his name and what did he do for you not to be?
Me: He just turned out to be the kind of guy I'm not interested in.
Him: Are you thinking about me and not telling me? (He's a smart cookie)
Me: You're funny, and yes I was talking about you
Him: That must make me a bad guy.
Me: No it's doesn't. I didn't say you were a bad guy

So, I kind of lied. I was still slightly interested, but if he wasn't interested in me there was no point in me telling him I was. I also realized I had never had a guy just tell me he wasn't interested. They always just stop talking to me or start acting weird. So I never really get closure. I thought maybe I was a weird, obsessive person, but when I realized he wasn't interested in me, I felt no need to pursue him whatsoever. It was very liberating. So I went to bed not feeling too bad, I mean I understand not wanting to have to go without sex, whatever.

So this morning, we were continuing our conversation from last night and I asked him when he decided he wasn't interested in me anymore and he said probably when this girl who he had been interested in whom he thought would never give him the time of day started showing some interest.


THERE IT IS!!

My world was shattered. Once again I was dropped for some other girl. It was completely different when it was just he wasn't interested. but it hurt far worse that he "found someone better". I HATE that. I don't understand why I can't be good enough. I had hoped with everything that he would be a different guy, he had all the potential to be. But in the end he's just like the rest of them. He's got the girl who hasn't given him a hint of chance and the girl who was nice and accessible. As soon as the first girl bats an eye, off he goes, dropping the girl whom he didn't have to jump through hoops for. I tried soooo hard to be the hard-to-get girl, but I'm so bad at that. I don't want to pretend that I don't like you or am not interested in you. I know it's necessary if I want to get a guy, but I really suck at it. I'm not good and hiding or disguising how I feel. I guess when I really get tired of being alone, I'll suck it up and be the bitch that is apparently necessary to be in order to get and keep a guy. I got really pissed and my texts were definitely showing it. We ended with "we'll be friends", but I'm still pissed. Not at him but at the situation. I'll give him credit, he stuck out the conversation. He's still a decent guy, I just hate that he didn't rise above.

The story is a lot more complicated and intricate than what I've posted but I tried to condense it for you.

Oh well, back to the dating board...

How Do You Comfort Loneliness By Yourself?

Every once in awhile it hits me.

The Loneliness.

One would think I would be used to it by now, considering I have yet to be in a relationship, but that's not the case. I usually just try not to think about it but every once in while The Loneliness wins, and it's overwhelming thoughts.

What's wrong with me? Why am I not worth anyone's time or effort? Will I ever meet a guy that thinks I'm the greatest girl he's ever met?

Of course my friends and family all say "yes" with no hesitation. But that doesn't always seem so. I mean I'm 26 years old, how have I managed to stay single my entire life? When I start thinking about it, I boil it down to not being pretty enough because I haven't even gotten to the point where a guy even gave me enough of a chance to even consider being with me. It's ridiculous and extremely frustrating.

The only guy to even come close won't even be friends with me now. We had been hanging out, enjoying each others company, and then all of a sudden, he just stopped talking to me, then texts me and says he decided to go back to his ex-girlfriend. The one he had previously been telling me he didn't want to be with anymore and complaining about the stupid things she would do. He said it was for cultural/family reasons, yet now he won't even be friends with me. He treats me rather poorly actually, and you would think that would discourage me from having feelings for him. Well that was almost 4 years ago and I still feel like it happened last week. I still try every once in a while to get him to have a friendship with me which is über pathetic, and I know that, but I can't help it. i hang on to him because I don't have anyone else.

At this point it's pretty much all I think about, what it would be like to have a boyfriend. It's hard for anyone else to understand because no one else I know has gotten to the age of 26 without having an actual relationship.

I hate having a whiney blog post, but I had to let this out for now. Maybe I'll write more later...